Death’s Anniversary

Time is a funny thing. Everything seems so far away then suddenly you are looking back wondering where it all went in a blink.

This time last year I was on the phone hearing words I did not expect from a doctor I did not know.

I sat on the floor wondering if I was dreaming.The roar in my ears, the trembling of my hands and the calm words of a friend as I sat there made it all the more real.

My father, the last of my parents, had passed away.

I. Was. An. Orphan.

What did I do now? That part was immediately simple. With a friend by my side and the man made laws and social norms in place, I went through the motions of doing what had to be done.

View the body: Check.

Talk to the doctor about the cause and next steps: Check.

Pack up the belongings: Check.

Call someone to retrieve the body: Check.

Notify friends and family: Check.

Pick out cremation plan: Check.

Complete death certificate: Check.


After all the noise and commotion there is resounding silence. There is no getting around this part. It is by far, the most difficult thing to handle and yet something everyone must deal with.

The second thoughts, the what ifs, the guilt. And through it all, nothing changes, nothing could. In my un-unique state of losing someone close to me, I was also freed. Freed of my obligations, free to do what I wanted with no pressure to live up to something or someone. It was as liberating as it was terrifying.

Slowly plans were created from the ashes and goals set to scatter my father’s remains. He left no instructions other than “Don’t put me in the damn ground for the worms to eat”.

As I moved around to leave him to roam the places he loved most (by my memory anyway), I indirectly started laying the foundation for me to move on. The moving around both hurt and helped me move on. Mixed feelings — often at time without warning — would overwhelm me. It delayed my grief because I was focused on what to do next.

In the end, visiting places my father loved the most, brought me closer to him. It brought me a sense of peace and closure that I would have missed had I chosen any other route.

It’s been one year ago today — where did the time go?

Rest in Peace Dad. You are loved and missed.


Your Daughter





Intuition is a funny thing. There is a fine line between listening to the universe guiding you and reading into things to get what you think you want.

I wanted desperately for my life to be a certain way, with specific people in it that I ignored all the red flags, made excuses for them and ultimately stopped listening to my intuition.  While my life was not horrible by any stretch of the imagination, it was far from the life I wanted, the life I had planned for myself as I embarked on adulthood.

One day, during a long drive north and then south and then north and then south again, I realized I was day dreaming about being somewhere else with people who were not currently in my life. It was during these ten to twelve hours of solitude that I realized I had talked myself into being content. A euphemism people use when they are neither unhappy nor happy. Which at the end of the day means, I wasn’t happy.

When the universe pushed me to make a decision, stay content or start over, I decided to start over. It was the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done.

The months that followed were such a roller coaster of peace, debates, arguments, threats, and more drama. Through it all I tried to find my voice, my intuition, but I had suppressed it for so long that I didn’t recognize the signs as they appeared before me. Ultimately, even my friends pointed out the odd coincidences that seem to come at me — and them.

I continued to debate with myself for months, I was just seeing what I wanted wasn’t I? I wanted something to change so badly and so much that I was creating meaning out of random events and ideas and conversations.

Things, people, and finally places lined up in the only way they could to clear the path that I chose to follow. I still have friends that say it means nothing more than the meaning I put into it and others that say, my thoughts became things. Either side fence that you fall on, one thing everyone agrees on — including all my doubts: I am closer to who I should be, wanted to be all those years ago when I took my first step into adulthood.

I am where I should be right now at this moment. My voice is becoming stronger,my intuition is spot on,and I am becoming who I have been dreaming about.

Synchronicity vs Coincidences

There is a current debate between me and one of my friends. My friend, who shall remain nameless, thinks that life is life and you just go bobbing along with the flow. No reason for things that happen or don’t happen.

Me? Well, I believe that life is what you bring into existence and if you look for guidance it will be there.  Most people call them coincidences (she or he does too). I don’t think there are such animals, I think of these random events that link together as synchronicity.

You can call them signs or coincidences or looking for hidden meanings in everyday things, but when you intentionally or unintentionally put your wishes, wants, and desires out there the world/universe will move people, places, and circumstances into your life for you to follow.

Maybe I read into things in an urgent need to have my desires manifest quickly, but that is neither here nor there.  What I can tell you is that all my life, when I sit back and look at things objectively (as objectively as a passionate human being can), my life has gone about exactly as I wanted (with a few unexpected surprises that still ended me exactly where I should have been at that moment).  Things manifested they way they did because I wanted something or wanted to be somewhere. When I ignored the synchronicity (signs, coincidences, whatever you want to call them) I am usually presented with a very unhappy set of things that put me ultimately in the space I wanted to be in the first place. That is how I ended up in the Air Force — a story for another time.

While I’m not here to convince you one way of the other, I will say, that I have a few friends (even the one that believes in coincidences) who have mentioned that I have the power to bring into my life exactly what I want — just not always in the time frame that I want.

I currently sit in a new place in a new town that I scribbled down (in detail) in a notebook over a year ago.  Faint images are appearing on the periphery of the other people and things I want to fill my life. If I can find the patience and still the outside noise and doubts, and listen to the songs,sayings, and people in my life then I will be guided to the spots at the correct time.

Now if I can only figure out what that song on the radio means.